


Let Me Go (I Don't Need to Breathe)

by Cumberbatch Critter (ivelostmyspectacles)



Series: Mommy and Daddy's World Hopping - Between the Pages [10]
Category: Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-21
Updated: 2015-11-21
Packaged: 2018-05-02 15:01:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5252597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivelostmyspectacles/pseuds/Cumberbatch%20Critter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Fai gasps in shock and pain and <i>no no no no no! </i>as the warmth of the ground seeps through the cold numbness hanging to his skin, and the warmth of blood, soaking into his coat, onto his hands. Again, again.</p>
  <p>He can't breathe.</p>
</blockquote><br/><br/>Otherwise known as: they all make it out of Celes, but Kurogane doesn't make it out alive.
            </blockquote>





	Let Me Go (I Don't Need to Breathe)

**Author's Note:**

> THIS IS WHAT EVERYBODY WANTED ISNT IT.
> 
> No, seriously, though, I was pondering how he would have reacted. Had discussions with a few people and my headcanons matched up with theirs, so I decided to write it ~~and cry and cry and cry~~
> 
> Please read the tags, and the summary, and keep in mind that what you expect to happen here, probably does. I was not in tears for no reason!
> 
> I do not own _Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle_. Thanks for reading!

The gasp that threatens his careful (shattered) façade catches in his throat. It's crushed in his windpipe as Mokona's magic takes them far away from Celes. He can only see blood. Blood, and Ashura-ou's body, and Kurogane's arm, the pictures swirling beneath his eyelids.

He is vaguely aware that Kurogane is pale, so pale. It isn't the ethereal light of the transfer. Fai wants to scream, cry, shake him awake. _Open your eyes, open your eyes, Kurogane, Kurogane!_ Anything. He can't... he _can't_...

The ground swallows them up too soon. Fai gasps in shock and pain and _no no no no no!_ as the warmth of the ground seeps through the cold numbness hanging to his skin, and the warmth of blood, soaking into his coat, onto his hands. Again, _again_.

He can't breathe.

Kurogane isn't, either.

Kurogane... is-isn't...

Fai isn't aware that he is speaking until another voice cuts him off, a softer one that still sounds familiar.

"Let him go." Tomoyo speaks softly, and still the words crash down upon him, heavy and heartbreaking and _painful_ , so painful.

"I can't!" Fai snaps. It lacks any sort of vehemence, cracking out in a gasp. He feels the breath leave his lips, as he tightens his grip around Kurogane's arm, the one he hadn't sacrificed, the one he had bodily pulled him from Celes with. "I can't let him go!" It comes out as a wail this time. Breaks past the blockage in his throat as the tears roll down his cheeks again. He wants to repeat it again, over and over as if it'll change it but it won't, he knows it won't.

_dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead de-_

Fai died for him. Fai died to save him. Kurogane died for him, to save him.

Didn't this _change_?

Didn't this _end_?

He just wanted it _ALL TO END._

"Fai-san."

Fai sits up straight so fast his back cracks, his head spins. He is numb and in agony at the same time. There has to be an out. There has to be an escape. His head jerks from side to side - no _no **no**_! - but he takes in every inch of his surroundings. It is vaguely familiar. The feel. The atmosphere. It is not comforting. Comforting is the glint of steel he catches in his peripheral vision and he is on his feet before he realizes.

It is simple. Effortless. Easier than breathing, which has never been easy, not since their birth. From his first breath, he was destined to look forward to his last.

It could all be over, all over. Will be. Soon, soon. He could rejoin his brother. He could rejoin Kurogane. He could apologize. He could be at peace. Will be.

He runs for the nearest person with a sword, flees like a frantic rabbit would flee its attacker. His attacker is his own self, and he so desperately needs to escape. Just a few more seconds.

Hadn't that been his lament, back in Valeria? _It'll end soon, I'll be free soon._

But he can change that now. He _can_ ; he possesses the ability, even if his magic is too depleted to do anything, there are swords, and he _can_ (will) die.

_Please just let it end._

Hands grab at his coat, jerking him to a stop. He struggles for a moment, until he can wiggle free of his coat. What do they want, what do they need with him now, he's done, he wants to be done!

"Stop him, please!" he hears Tomoyo cry, over the turmoil. Fai's heart sinks to his stomach as the defenses increases, quickly replaced by anger. Anger: the one defense he has left. Nails lengthen to claws and he doesn't _want_ to hurt anyone, again, anymore, but he wants- he wants-

"Let me go! Let me go, let me go!" he cries. The shout tears from his throat, raw and pained and _pleading_ , please, just let me do this, oh, please-

"Fai-"

He cannot take it. "I'm not Fai!" he explodes. "I'm Yuui! Fai's dead! He's _dead_! Like Ashura-ou, like Kurogane, like mom and dad and uncle and all of my family and friends and everyone I ever cared about! I'm not Fai! I don't deserve to _be here_." He collapses as quickly as he had jumped up, his fall softened by the many hands hanging onto him, smothering him. His legs can't hold him. "Let me go, let me... go, let me..." _let me die, please._

They wanted him to let go of everyone that was lost. Why couldn't they... let go of... him...

 _I just want to die_.

He slumps over and _sobs._

He has nothing left. There is no point to smile, when all he's ever wanted to do from the very beginning was cry.

　

　

He isn't sure when he had fallen asleep, but between the crying, the Princess' guard, and the terrified look he glimpses from Syaoran, Fai wakes up tucked into a futon with a sore body and an aching heart.

The fact that he wakes up at all is horrifying.

He wants to go back to sleep and never wake up.

There is a guard outside his door. He follows him to the restroom and back to the room, and doesn't say a word. Fai doesn't leave the room again, even when his stomach aches for food he still needs, and he tries to sleep and hopes he won't open his eyes again, but he does, every time.

The next time he leaves the room, the guard is still there, and Fai is running on bad emotions and a dangerously low amount of sleep. He drops the guard so quickly that he feels faint, feels like he will pass out on the spot. He makes it as far as the courtyard before he's cornered, before he collapses again, darkness swimming across his vision. When he wants his body to shut down...

He wakes up in the futon again, and he cries himself back to sleep.

　

　

The next time he wakes up, it is to not only the ache in his stomach, but one in his throat. A dull ache, burning the very back of his throat, crawling to his jaws to seep onto his tongue. He can taste copper when there is none. His instincts are calling out for sustenance.

Blood.

He needs blood.

Kurogane's blood, something that was as beautiful and as precious as any of the gems found on any world, and now, even more rare. Impossible.

Fai is frozen with his fingers against his throat.

Kurogane had sacrificed himself so that Fai could live.

Fai is going to die, anyway.

Part of it is a relief, and part of it is a tragedy.

"Stupid," Fai mumbles, and his voice cracks in disuse, speaking coherently for the first time since he arrived in Nihon. "Stupid Kurogane."

What a waste.

 _What_ a waste.

In a cryptic turn of events, Fai starts laughing and finds that he can't stop until he's out of breath and his eyes are swimming again. He hates him. Everyone. Himself. Everything. What was the point?

Fai wants to scream.

He does.

　

　

"I'm going to die, anyway!" Fai is arguing with _Syaoran_. "At least let it be of my own choice!"

"Kurogane-san didn't die for you to give up!"

" _Kurogane_ knew what would happen to me if I didn't have his blood!"

 _Don't blame him._  
_I don't, of course I don't, I l-_

 _Don't argue with Syaoran._  
_But he's the last one I have to make hate me-_

_Let it be over._

"There has to be some way-"

"There _is_ no way!" Fai snaps, and his strength, even still sapped, snaps the drinking glass he's holding into pieces. The pain is welcome, but the blood spilling from his palm makes him choke. _Need, need_. "You heard Yuuko. My game is gone, and I'm going to _die_! Accept it and move on! You're the only one who can save the Princess now!"

Fai has to physically hold himself down later, tangled up in the blankets, clutching them so tightly with wide eyes that his knuckles go white and his fingers ache, to stop himself from running to apologize.

The hurt will all be over soon.

　

　

He has pushed himself too far before, by not accepting blood, but Kurogane always used to keep on him about drinking, and he never was too far gone. Now he is... and it feels like how he would imagine being run over by a truck.

He can barely - physically - drag himself out of bed. Everyone smells delicious. Their blood. He knows none of it will help.

When he pushes himself to collapse again (it takes nothing at all, walking to the end of the hallway, and hitting the ground with a cracking thud, knees and elbows and skull against the floor), he succumbs to the darkness with the same plea on his lips.

_Please. Let it stop._

　

　

"I am sorry."

Fai stares listlessly up at Tomoyo. He can feel nothing but the fire tearing up inside him, the bloodlust burning fire through his veins. But he can see that Tomoyo is sad. So sad. He understands. And he cannot fight at this stage.

"... Me too." He forces the words out through numb lips. _Let this all stop._

Tomoyo looks surprised.

Fai probably would be, too. It's the first time he's been civil since arriving. He clumsily untangles his hands from the blankets. Reaches for her hand. He is surprised when she takes it. He doesn't know why she does.

"... He always wanted to come home," he mumbles. He did, didn't he? It was... Kurogane's wish, after all...

"He did come home," Tomoyo replies softly.

He did... didn't he...? Fai wonders if Kurogane had seen Nihon before he had stopped breathing. He had to. He had to have had. Fai can't entertain anything else.

"... He adored you," Fai murmurs. "Loved you..."

"He loved you, too."

Surely he has cried enough. The tears start anew nonetheless.

When he can speak again, trembling, drenched in sweat, tears, and emotion, he can barely whisper. "... it never stops. The hurt."

"No." Tomoyo smiles sadly. "Hurting means that you are alive."

"... Haha." Fai closes his eyes. "... not for long."

Tomoyo strokes his hair out of his face. "It will be over soon, Fai."

Fai wants it to be over now. "... Why did you make me do this...?" he murmurs. "I could have just..." he trails off.

"Kurogane wanted you to live."

"I'm still going to die." As if to accentuate the point, the burn of bloodlust spikes up, jabbing into his chest, his head. It knocks the breath out of him in a whimper, and his fingers seize around the blanket. Certainly he deserves the pain, and yet...

"Even if it was for a short amount of time, Kurogane would have wanted you to live. If he could preserve you three more minutes of your life, he would have done so all the time."

Fai whimpers, again.

It's not from the physical pain this time.

　

　

Syaoran does not hate him, despite his best efforts.

Syaoran apologizes, of all things. Fai does, too.

Syaoran does not cry in front of him, but there are tears in his eyes when he leaves.

There are more tears for Fai when Syaoran leaves, too.

　

　

_Is it..._

Fai is drifting. Between light and dark. Awake and asleep, hallucinations and reality. He sees Tomoyo, and he sees his brother. He sees multiple Sakuras and he sees shadows in the corners. Cobwebs cling onto his mind; Kurogane chases them away.

His body is on fire. No? If not, he's falling apart.

Has to be.

"You're going to be okay, Fai."

He was... n't.

"Everything is fine."

That sounded like his mom. Mom? And dad...

_... over?_

　

　

He startles aware with a gasping breath. He realizes quickly it does little to alleviate the pressure pushing down on him. He inhales sharply and holds it, and focuses on tuning in his surroundings. When his lungs don't ache to exhale, he realizes with stunning clarity that he does not _need_ to breathe.

Which means

"Mom? Dad? Fai? Kurogane?"

He looks all around, scrambling to his feet. He is off balance and shaky, but no longer in pain. At ease. _Comfortable_.

"Anyone?"

He rubs at his eyes. Panics a little, except he doesn't. There is no panic. Only a muted curiosity. When he drops his hand again, he squints into the brightness.

Sees faces in the distance.

Familiar faces.

He collapses before he can catch himself, but it matters no longer. Those familiar faces hold himself up instead. He babbles incoherent apologies and is shushed and soothed and he's crying again but it's happy, it's _happy_.

He's surrounded by the people he loves. The ones not here, he can watch over. He's free of the pain and he's free of the lies and he's truly

finally

_relieved._

 


End file.
